I Can Do This

Well, I’ve waited on writing…for many reasons really. First, because I honestly just haven’t been in a place where I have felt like writing. Second? I was hoping this season would pass soon and it just hasn’t. But, this blog wouldn’t be real if I didn’t share the very real moments like these. Now, before I start this let me say, I am safe. I have accountability and I reach out on the bad days. And they know that today….well, today is one of those days. They check in, they make sure I don’t face these days alone. I am safe.

Currently, though my house is clean, it is cluttered and I’m pretty sure the cheerios just got thrown by one kid so that’s another mess to clean later. Dishes are piling. Let’s not discuss the laundry that is piling even faster. And what am I doing? Sitting on my couch, blankly staring at my wall while the boys laugh in the other room. They are safe. It’s their room with all proper safety precautions, I’m not in a place of wanting to hurt them. I love them. Though here lately I feel they deserve better. The baby is napping and I’m still just sitting here. I listen to worship music. I cry until I can’t cry any longer and then I stare. I get up and get lunch for everyone and feed the baby and then, I sit here. I try to play with them. I try to teach them and engage them. All while I am off somewhere.

There’s a long list of things that have led up to this season. A long list of reasons my mind, my body, my heart,….they just can’t today….and they couldn’t yesterday. They are broken. And I try. Every day, I give my family all I have. Some days, that is more than others. And then, we have appointments and church and therapies. So, I do what any high-functioning person would do regardless of the war waging within. I take a shower, I blow-dry and straighten my hair. I put on clothes that have pants and that aren’t pajamas (you’re welcome), I get the boys cleaned up and out the door we go. After I get them buckled into their carseats I sit in my seat, look in the mirror and realize I forgot one thing. I forgot to put on my face.

“I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. God won’t let this take me out. I can do this.” I say as tears stream down my face. I take a deep breath, wipe the tears from my eyes. Take another deep breath and with one more, “I can do this” we are on our way. We get to where we are going and it never fails that mommy needs to use the restroom (three kids will do that to you). The anxiety within at this point is almost enough to make me want to turn right back around and head home.

“I can do this. I can do this. God’s got me. I can do this!” We finish out the appointment, get home and the boys immediately get into EVERYTHING! They start fighting and screaming.  Time out for everyone. Including Mommy. And there I stand….hiding in the bathroom…..another mirror……

“I can do this. I can do this. It’s going to work out. This too shall pass. He has a hope and a future planned for them and for me. I can do this” And so continues this routine….until bedtime.

I am not writing this to bring attention to myself. I have people and doctors. I am writing this to bring light to high-functioning depression and anxiety. Because what you don’t see in the person that you look at and say, “I just don’t know how you do it!” is that they aren’t sure either….but they weren’t given a choice. So, they tell themselves they can and they push forward and then….well, most nights they cry themselves to sleep at night. Or, they lay there, numb, unable to sleep. They tell themselves they have to keep moving forward because everyone around them is counting on them. Their kids, theirs loved ones, they need them to be okay. They need them to be able to “do this”. They need their smile and encouragement and laughs. When in reality, if given the option, few of them would get out of bed. Not even to eat until the hunger couldn’t be silenced. (But, let’s be real, the moms are gonna have to pee.)

So, I remind myself that His plans for me are good. HE HAS PLANS FOR ME! THEY ARE GOOD! That He has already gone before me and won this war. That He is with me in the ashes and that Jesus, He prayed for me. And He prayed for you too. He’s a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Even when we can’t always FEEL Him. That I’m not less because I struggle and I’m not less because somedays I just don’t have any fight left in me. I give each day my best and I will trust that God’s Word stands true and He sees me. He sees my heart. He knows my pains and He will work all things (even the things that don’t look good) together for the good! God is still God. He is always good. He is always faithful. He is always working things together, even when we can’t see them. And some days, we must simply stand on/kneel on/cling to that and trust He who makes a way where there seems to be no way, is in fact making a way even in the midst of our brokenness.