I don’t even know where to start. Last weekend I found myself at a leadership retreat that, quite honestly, rocked my world. I’ve been serving the Lord for going on 15 years and at this retreat, I, alongside many other pastors and leaders, answered an altar call for salvation. The next day the majority of the group was baptized, as well. The days following have been days of deep reflection. Tonight, I find myself thinking about Saul and Ananias.
I think about Saul on the road to Damascus, suddenly blinded. Up to this point he was known for His persecution of Christ-followers and was even part of stoning another to death. Then, he had an encounter. He was just doing what he does when “suddenly” a life-changing, sight-blinding encounter with Jesus turned his world right-side up. I don’t imagine he felt that way, though…When he stood up and with eyes wide open all he could see was darkness. Yet, spiritually just the opposite had happened. For the first time, he could truly see.
I wonder what those first moments were like for him. I wonder what went racing through his mind when, in a moment, truth was forever shifted. In the midst of this glorious revelation, he found himself physically blind. Today, we would call that an attack of the enemy. We would rebuke it and refuse it and say “get thee behind me, Satan” to anyone who dared to say it had nothing to do with the enemy or that maybe it was meant to happen. Yet, that moment wasn’t an attack at all. It was, in fact, divine strategy. In the meantime, in Damascus, you have Ananias. Just a humble man, serving God when suddenly God appears to him in a vision and tells him to seek out Saul because God wants to use Ananias to restore Saul’s sight.
Wait. Pause. Listen. I’m just gonna be real. While I was at this retreat I had a word put on my heart for someone being baptized and I felt COMPLETELY out of line and out of my element. I’m in a room full of pastors and leaders with a speaker doing baptisms. The speaker even said it, “there’s someone who has a word for him. If you’ll come and share it please.” Just being real, I stayed silent. “Maybe I just want it to be me.” “There’s no way God is calling me out and choosing to use me in a room full of pastors and leaders…who am I?” I could go on with the reasons I stayed silent. I’m sure Ananias had that moment too. “Um. Lord. Hey. Yeah. Listen. Saul? Saul of Tarsus? You want ME, a CHRISTIAN, to GO TO where Saul is going? I’m…I’m not sure that’s the best idea. You know he wants to kill us, right? He hates Christians. I’m just making sure you understand. The last thing I knew he could see just fine. Just making sure, Lord. Think there might be some mixed signals here.” The same could be said for Saul when God told him to continue on to Damascus and God would instruct him from there. “Okay. Um. Kinda new at this, big guy, BUUUUT, I’m blind. I can’t defend myself. I only have so many people with me. I’ve persecuted these people. I’ve been involved in executing some. Surely, when they see I am blind they’re gonna attack me. It’s wishful thinking that I’d be welcomed there, not to mention that someone would be willing to lay hands on me to bring healing. Besides, I’ve been a horrible person. Why would you even WANT to heal me?”
I don’t know about you but I think I would have been pretty terrified in either position. Yet, they walked it out. They made a choice. I don’t know how many times Saul stopped those who were helping him and just needed a minute to process before continuing on. How many of those steps was he deciding all over again to keep going? I don’t know how long Ananias stood outside Judah’s door, wanting to knock but afraid of what he would find beyond that door. A fist made, ready to knock, hand even lifted but just not quite ready. What I do know is they pressed on. In spite of fear and confusion and infirmity and doubt, they continued to walk it out. And because they did, we have over half of the New Testament. Because they chose to press on and trust God, because they chose faith regardless of what the situation looked like, blind eyes were open, the gospel reached many new nations, and prison walls fell down. All because, in that moment, they knew walking into anything with God was far better than any measure of false security without Him had they chosen to stay.
Quite honestly, last weekend kind of blinded me in a sense. Not physical eyesight but everything about my perspective was wrecked in a 24 hour period. I don’t know where you find yourself today. I know as I sit here tonight, just soaking and trying to “just be” in His presence, I feel like a baby Christian all over again. I don’t know what your situation looks like. I don’t know what you’ve done, who you’ve been, or if you’ve ever even spoken the name of Jesus. What I do know is this: YOU ARE LOVED. Think on that for just a minute, or maybe a month. Don’t think about all the things you need to do or trying to figure out your calling or any of the other things. Forget the dishes or trying to read three chapters tonight. Pause. Close your eye and take a deep breath in and focus on one thing and one thing alone. He loves you. Deeply, intimately, relentlessly. He loves YOU. It doesn’t matter who you’ve been, what you’ve done or where you’ve gone. It doesn’t matter how damaged you think you are. He loves you.
Song of Solomon says “You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride. You have captured my heart with one glance from your eyes.”
Do you know that when you lift your eyes, when you simply look His way, you capture the heart of God? I think about the first time I held each of my children, even the first little heartbeat I saw and how my heart was fully captured in those moments by that tiny beating heart….He loves me more than that. Over the last few days, I have done a lot of silent sitting. Pondering what moving forward from what God did over the weekend looks like. How do I move forward and remain in line with what I’ve learned and what was spoken? If I’m honest I’ve even had a few moments of “can I?” I’ve functioned with walls for so long that letting them down seems impossible. Not to mention how vulnerable it leaves me. Yet, my heart has also been captured and the most powerful choice I know to make right now is to simply say, “Yes, Lord. Just You, Jesus. Just You.”
Saul made that choice with each step he took. Ananias made that choice as he ventured to Judah’s house and tonight, you can make that choice, as well. No matter how long you’ve known Him or how well-versed you are. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that we’ll never have it completely right but I can’t think of a moment more beautiful nor more powerful than the ones I have experienced the last few days as I have simply sat at His feet and said, “Just You. No more of me. Just You. It doesn’t matter what it looks like. Just You. It doesn’t matter what I have to let go of or leave behind. Just you. I don’t want it at all if it doesn’t have You.”
It’s easy to get caught up in the prayer requests and praises and to forget to just intentionally just be with Him. Over the last few days, I’ve caught myself several times doing my own thing and having to be intentional about keeping my heart-posture focused on simply being and not doing. Tonight, I double-dog dare you (that means you HAVE to do it) to take some time and turn everything off and just be. Don’t ask for anything. Don’t seek direction. Just Him. Just His face. Just His unfailing and unrelenting love. Close your eyes if you must. Say His name over and over but keep leaning in. Then, tomorrow, do it again. Make the choice to simply seek Him and Him alone, with no other agenda than to just be with Him, and watch how He starts to transform your heart and mind.
My Alabaster Life 